A long week and it is only Thursday. I met with the admissions director from Penn Charter and found him to be kind and sympathetic. What I was not fully prepared for however was the quickness that paperwork, financial aid forms, and testing would need to happen in order for Bailey to attend school there next year. I began to feel the pressure/anxiety that accompanies this kind of life stuff. Everything sounds good in theory but then I found myself on line trying to complete financial aid information and having it erase my data repeatedly. Attempts to discuss it with the independent organization that they use were totally unhelpful. I am sick to my stomach. Then I could not get Bailey tested by the deadline they had asked for. Today I called Dr. Bonnie back. I stalked him actually. We talked for a bit about the situation. I said tell me what you want me to do. He decided to give Bailey a test right there at the school.It will last 2 and a 1/2 hours on Tuesday of next week. And her dad is taking her for me. I called him and just said I can’t do all this stuff. It is too much. And he said then don’t, tell me what you need. It was a bit of a relief. He picked up the old fashioned financial aid forms for me and will send them snail mail tomorrow. I feel certain that after they find out we have no boat, r.v., money market accounts, life insurance, and have about $50 in my checking account that the “need” issue will be recognized. Honestly, that part of it seemed prefunctionary . Dr. Bonnie knows we have nothing. My only prayer for my kids is to put them in academically small and caring environments. Ones in which their emotional needs will be met. I can not imagine how hard it must be to be a child and have to perform at school and not be thinking about what is going on at home. I think it is my children and my desire to protect them that has kept me fighting through all this cancer crap.
Today my oncologist was knee deep in patients and she had no time to talk about my tattoo. Even though Anna was there. Anna just asked her the right question as she left the room and Angie was able to tell us that an entire section could not be tattooed over. No, my port was never coming out and the area where the tubes are must not be touched either.Good to know. Anna was totally unphased. We will just re-work it no problem. Angie voiced her concerns about the tattoo. Mostly that to her it seems the skin cancer is getting worse and typically it will spread across the entire chest if that is what is happening. She said she did not want me to be healing a tattoo that will become covered in skin cancer. She repeatedly mentioned radiation. She decided that I need a MRI of my entire spine. All of it. That will be this Monday at 2pm. And I will still get my ct scan on Thursday. Results over the phone on Friday the 13th. Good thing I am not superstitious. But it did make me even more anxious. For what? I mean I am used to the bad news. I am pretty into living in the moment.Abandoning hope and fear and expectations. But I hear “scan” and panic. The sick rises in my belly and I shake. Then I frantically clean the house until I can breath again. Cancer cancer go away and don’t come back another day.
Kelly says I took a little good news and just ran too far with it. The puppy. The tattoo. Kelly feels like I just had this lapse in reality. Like, “oh yeah I am going to live for awhile.” That of course is his hope. And he likes to follow me to the magical land of frivolity. I am going to be here forever! He comes along for the ride. And then we get more bad news and I sulk. Or freak out for a minute. It’s like “Holy crap! What can I do to stop this charging rhino of a disease?” Really tell me. I get every alternative healing I know of. I am totally trying to hold onto the moment and not get caught up in negative thinking. Right now…is right now. And I have no idea what is happening inside or outside my body. And maybe the scans will show more cancer. Maybe less. Today I am here. Today I am in love with my husband, children, and doggies. What more can I do?
But the anxiousness persists. My children are graduating.Alec from high school and the twins from 8th grade. Those events are coming up. As well as a gratitude get together the weekend after next. The more things that are put on the calendar the more my stomach twists. Tomorrow is acupuncture. I needed to get a Philly carshare and make sure Ruthie was up for bringing Clay with us. My stomach twists. No, there are none close by. “Ruthie,Will you bike to the car, lock up your bike and drive the car to my house?” She says yes, no problem.Crazy Ruthie she loves me too much. But if I don’t get those damn needles in me soon I am going to die. The pain is so bad in my shoulder and sciatica. Cancer stupid cancer. This is my crazy life. A puppy that needs a walk every two hours. A toddler that bites my dining room table. Appointments on the same day as high school graduations. What I want is tea and a place to meditate. I love my life…I love my life…I love my life.
Are you stressed out just reading this? You should see my calendar! Out of control. I hope I get to sleep when I am dead. In heaven, whatever. I hope I have nothing to do. When I filled out the financial aid forms it said that every line must be filled in. So it asked for my occupation. And the only thing I could think of was cancer patient. It is a full time job by the way. Then it asked for my employer.I wrote God.