There are so many morbidly funny things I do not write in this blog. Mostly because I think it would upset people . But if we are friends ask me to tell you the benefits of dying young. Or my top ten reasons why its good I have cancer. Or about my friend Death. Oh it is so fantastically dark. Most of the time laughing is a way to diffuse the intensity of terminal illness. I mean that’s what a therapist would likely say. I am not a therapist. I am however terminally ill. And sometimes..cancer is funny.
I occasionally find myself in this awkward position in which I am telling someone I have cancer and they tell a happy ending story about so and so who had cancer and survived. I know this is meant as a loving attempt at support. But I wondered to myself recently if anyone actually dies from cancer since everyone is always saying so and so lived. I may be overreacting to this whole cancer is deadly thing. Maybe I am being too pessimistic.
Today was my day at acupuncture. Heidi brought me out to the Won Institute where our friend Doreen and her partner in crime Lynn asked me a million questions about my health or illness really. Their teacher Ann told me I had a perfect tongue. Really..she said it was like a super healthy tongue. Better than an athlete’s. I am not lying. I had 7 needles put in me. It didn’t hurt a bit. It felt sort of weird-nerve ending-kind of sensation. Doreen said this was mostly for my nausea and g.i. issues. I felt some interesting muscle spasms. then had a distinct feeling of the blood flowing through my entire body. Then I became aware of my organs and then my abdomen. I wasn’t sure how to process what was going on exactly. When Doreen came back I asked her to do a relaxation exercise with me. She asked me to inhale the Golden light all around me that was God. And visualize it entering my body. I imagined the exhalations carrying away my tension. I imagined it eating my cancer. I let my body float away. As I did this water flowed from my eyes but it was not like “crying”. I had as little control over this as one does of perspiring. It was my body ridding itself of pain that I no longer even felt. The release was wonderful. I felt better for hours after. I do not know what other people have experienced with acupuncture. But I thought it was really powerful. I am looking forward to going again. If any of you are interested give them a call. It was great.
I am moving out of the bad into the maybe week. Maybe I will feel well enough to go do things. Maybe I will feel well enough to do dishes/cook/care for Clay. Or maybe I will be completely overwhelmed and feel too sick to do _______. So maybe we can see each other. Or maybe not.
Jesse comes home from Spain Wednesday. I miss him so much it’s killing me. I don’t like being apart from my children. Never have. But I love them being independent. So its worth the missing him. Anyway, he promised me he would blog about his trip when he gets back. I was so happy. Now if I could just get any of them to talk about their feelings that would be great.
I will talk to you all soon. Andrea