Â Karen left this morning. I miss her already. She was so helpful in making everything go smoothly after my surgery. I wish she and Bill lived closer. They are so wonderful. I was really blessed by her presence. I love you Karen.
Cindy took me to see the surgeon today. He entered the room minutes after we got there. I was so stunned by his punctuality that I was rendered speechless. “Why am I here? Ugh…the nurse she said come in.I have pain.” I sounded like an idiot. He pressed all over my incision and commented that fluid was building up in there and he was going to DRAIN IT! In the office. He got a couple needles, tubing, and what looked like mason jars and sucked the excess fluids out of my chest. I thought Cindy was going to puke in her lap. He commented that it looked like beer. Gross. I will likely never drink beer again.
It is Halloween. Bailey is trick or treating with Tavi. The twins are with friends. My older boys are doing homework and intermittently passing out candy to the neighborhood children. It is quiet around the house. For better or worse.
As I sat down to write I realized on this day last year I was in the hospital with Clayton. He was having some medical problems after he was born and we spent 5 days in Jefferson Hospital. It has been a rough year. Clay’s difficult pregnancy/birth/newborn period was followed by his refusal to breastfeed after he was 5 months old. And by then of course I had cancer and did not know it. I have cried and prayed my way through this year. Cancer ravaged my body. Cancer has stolen away my precious time with my baby and children. I have been a crisis mode for a year.
Some hard times are ahead of me as well. While radiation can be rather easy for many, my radiation will include my neck since I still have a tumor there. When the neck is radiated it often burns the throat making it difficult and painful to swallow. Usually after two weeks on radiation patients report a number of symptoms that may require pain medicine and drinking lydocane to diminish them. In rare cases people need IV fluids or hospitalization. Dramatic weight loss is a common side effect. I will be undergoing radiation for 7weeks. I am afraid. I feel like this is a huge challenge both physically and emotionally. I grew accustomed to the feel bad feel good cycle of chemotherapy. I looked forward to the good days. Radiation is every day, 5 days a week, for 7 weeks. No time off for good behavior. Not that I am likely to exhibit any good behavior.
I keep trying to do one day at a time. I am really focused on the past and the present lately. Look I have endured all this….and I still have so far to go….this will never be over. And that is true to an extent. This is a long road. I expect that a year or so after ending this series of treatments my cancer will spread from my sternum to some other place in my body…liver, lungs, brain. That’s how cancer rolls. But I have to try to not spend my time living through these treatments of tomorrow. It is really enough of a burden to get through the ones I have today.