As a kid I always made the worst choices in friends. I always picked the girl that would end up telling all my secrets to the entire class. I made friends with people that talked behind my back well into adulthood. I have always had friends that spoke to me cruel and unnecessary ways. I have always trusted the wrong people. I still make friends with people who are unkind to me. Whether they think they are “doing me a favor” by telling me some truth about my personality/marriage/life. Or they just do not treat me well in general. I have to question why I continue this pattern of unhealthy friendships at this point in my life.
Since my diagnosis I stopped being friends with some one who upon hearing of my diagnosis said “its not like you’re going to die.” I stopped speaking to someone who called me a “drama queen” when I was too sick to speak with him on the phone. He has since spent time continuing to harass me. He likes letting me know (on the blog) that he thinks badly of me. Last night I asked one of my friends why he had not been able to make it to the twins’ birthday. He had been promising to see them and us and then not showing up. He replied that he had been sick and unlike me he “did not have an army of people to do things for him.” I felt like I had been punched. How to even respond. It was cruel enough to keep me away for a long time to come.
I am pretty sure the people that know me well will say I am difficult to be friends with. I talk too much. I think I know everything. I give a lot but I expect a lot. And I think a few people would say I do not listen. There are good things about being friends with me. I am pretty nice and easy to be around. I think even with the cancer I still smile and laugh a lot. But yes I am not the easiest person to know. And I am actually very aware of my character defects. Which I am very desperate to change given my diagnosis. But sometimes these things that cut so deep they are difficult to ignore and move past. Maybe I hurt my friends too and I don’t know it. Maybe I am just really good at being a doormat.
But anymore I do not want to be one. Kelly told me I am not allowed to “fire” anymore of my friends. But I have a tendency to do this. I do not work things out with people. I just stop being friends with them. Its not about forgiveness. I can forgive them. But I do not want to continue to give people the opportunity to hurt me ever again. And for that reason I have no contact with anyone in my family except my mother. I pray all the time that God will help me forgive those who have hurt me. I pray that God will forgive me for hurting others.
Now the good thing is that there are a lot of people who are here for me. I have a lot of loving wonderful friends as well. Many of them can and do tell me the truth. Even the hard stuff. And I do not usually spend even one day in which I am alone or feel unloved. I have more close friends than most people. That small army are people I love and who I continue to have healthy happy relationships with. I still care about the lives of my friends. Even when they try to hide behind my cancer as a way to not talk about themselves I drag it out of them. I care about how my friends feel and what is happening to them. Nearly every day the people I love call me and come by. I am not letting the harsh words of others determine my self worth. Honestly, I feel blessed and fortunate in every regard. I do not care if people want to speak badly of me. I do not need to believe it. I can say that the friendships I have I treasure and enjoy. The relationships that are damaging and hurtful I can do without.
Truth without Love Kills, Love without Truth Lies