Doing Battle

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Last week was very hard. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. It is always hard when we have to endure surgery and its aftermath. That goes for anyone. I was more upset that my arms hurt from being tied down at my sides for 9 hours then I was about other post operative pain. In any case, things are slowly getting better. My strength is coming back. I still take a few naps/rests throughout the day. I am still sore. But I would rather take a motrin than pain killer though. The dilaudid gave me wicked hangovers. So gradually things are improving. The kids still seem stressed and sad. I have not had much time to reassure them that everything will be ok. It is hard to do that when I do not even know myself if things will in fact be ok. My appointment with the oncologist should clarify things. That is tomorrow at 1pm. The pathology report is back and we should know a little more about what we are dealing with.

There are times when I think I do not want to have to keep fighting this battle. I know so so many women with IBC who have been dealing with this for 5-7-9 years and it is a life of surgery, chemo,radiation, and medicine. It is a war they never get to stop fighting. I get tired just thinking about it. This has been an exhausting 6 months. All those appointments and procedures. All those tests. Cancer is my full time job. I do more stuff about cancer than I do mom stuff. That is heart wrenching to me since I hate my cancer and I love being a mom.

My body is still in shock I think. Every part of me burns and aches. My muscles are crying for relief. Yet, the thought of anyone touching me is totally upsetting. Except Jesse and Kelly both of whom I have asked to rub my sore shoulders. I know that the emotional burden of disease and surgery are being carried around in my neck and back. I think I need to devote everything i have right now to healing. That is what Tamara said to me the other day. I just recite this ongoing mantra…”Lord be with me and heal my broken body.” I know that people are praying for me. I can feel it. I sometimes feel strengthened for “no reason”. Right now I am awake and sore. But happy to be able to interact with my family.

So I am just getting through this day by day. Realizing that is all I have. I do not have too many hopes and dreams for the future right now. The future seems very far away.

4 Responses to “Doing Battle”

  1. Katie says:

    Hi,

    I’m a friend of Rob’s with a lot of other friends who are massage therapists. Want a free massage? I could send someone over. Or if you want, acupuncture, ditto.

    Katie xo
    katie@critpath.org

  2. Dina says:

    Be well. I am praying for you every day.

  3. Stephanie Bare says:

    During this time of struggle, dont forget Footprints. God is carrying you now, His beautiful daughter. His love for your is immeasurable. I am praying for the healing of your body, peace of your mind and grace of your soul.

  4. ruthie says:

    i love you. i love spending time with you and your beautiful family. i love laughing with you. i just wanted to thank you for that. you rock.