No pity

pity.jpg

I have gotten a lot of phone calls in the last couple of days. I realize that I dropped a bomb so to speak in informing everyone of my recurrence in this format. It is just easier this way. Right now I am trying to be realistic about the situation. It is possible that the new chemo regimen will work. But then again it may not. My disease is very aggressive but we have known that from the very beginning. I am not “dying”. I am living with a terminal illness that eventually I will die from. Understanding the difference is important. You do not need to feel like I am slipping away just yet. I promise when the time comes I will be open and honest about that too. For now let’s assume there are a few more things the doctors can try to halt the progression of my disease. And I may get some extra time out of it.

In the meantime understand this, I will be getting weekly chemo for an indefinite period of time. I may or may not be up to visitors but please call me or email me and I will let you know. Please also be aware that I have shoulder and neck pain and long phone conversations can be physically difficult for me. I will do my very best though. I do need you all to stay in touch. It means a lot to me.

As far as helping me. Right now we still have meals coming every other day. If anything changes I will let people know. As far as child care we are covered. Jen watches him on Mondays and his nanny Jenny Ball is with him the rest of the week. Both of them are loving and kind. Excellent care givers. As of now Kelly and I are relying on Philly car share for my chemo appointments. I think Kelly should come with me because he missed out on that last time. Additional appointments for physical therapy and testing do come up on a weekly basis and I will be asking for rides from time to time. I have applied for several grants to offset the cost of childcare. It is a tough time of year for tattooing. We are doing the best we can and we are getting help through the fund raisers as well as Kelly’s mom and Dad. I do not feel alone or abandoned in any way. In fact I feel totally cared for and it is very moving. I have a lot of you who help with that and I am grateful. I feel really blessed in this way. Thank you all so much for caring for our family.

When my mind turns to the what ifs I get afraid that my family will not do as well without me. Kelly echoes this concern sometimes too. We fear that everyone will disappear in my absence. I pray that that is not the case.I think they will need you more if I do not make it. But today I do not want to dwell on that. I bring my mind back to the Lord and remind myself He has never forsaken me. Even now I know that His plan is perfect. His provision sufficient. And my life is truly in His hands. I am trying to be patient and accepting of my situation. One day at a time. Today I am alive. Albeit in some pain. But I am able to enjoy my children my loved ones and friends. Don’t pity me today.

9 Responses to “No pity”

  1. joshua says:

    your gratefulness during this whole thing is particularly moving for me. i’m learning a lot from you.

  2. Larue says:

    I pray that you and your family feel the loving arms of our Lord comforting you in this trying time. You continue to amaze me when I read what you write. You are inspiring so many people, please continue to do what you do! God Bless all of you.

  3. shari says:

    You are a most amazing person. I feel as though I know you..even though we have never met. (I cut Karen’s hair in Santa Rosa.) Your blog is so honest and raw. You are a very brave person, you are teaching your children so much, specifically, how to deal with the hand you have been dealt. Whether you know it or not you are an inspiration to so many. I pray for you and your family, and we send healing, positive thoughts your way and always remember miracles do happen.

  4. Wendy says:

    Thinking of you today as you restart chemo. Hang in there.

  5. Brian says:

    Thanks so much for sharing. I saw Kelly in PW, so I thought I’d check in on how you and the family are doing. Like Joshua said, we’re learning a lot from you and your resiliency. It’s awesome.

  6. leah says:

    i hope this all goes well, we are all praying for you on this end (even my mom dedicates a rosary a day to you) she just loves those beads!
    call if you need anything.
    i love you!
    ~leah

  7. Linda Conley Soffer says:

    You don’t know me, but I was a teacher at Moonstone when Alec & Jesse were there & you had the twins. I remember you & Tony living in that little space on 5th off South St. I was always impressed by your way of being in the world, just going with the flow. I’ve had the fortunate opportunity to spend some time with Jesse in the past few years – I am friends with Jean Byrne, & Zeke her son brought Jesse on a couple of camping trips with us and to at least one party at our house. It is so great to see him grow into such a fine young man who obviously loves his family very much. You have done a fantastic job raising him.

    So I read a post from Lhianna about the fund raiser on the 10th (I will definitely be there) with a link to this blog & was so shocked & saddened to see that it is about you and your experiences with this disease. It is so completely heartbreaking, and at the same time inspirational. Your courage, your humor, your honesty, your humanity are absolutely amazing. I have heard it said that the quality of a life is not measured by what happens to you but how you handle it. You are living a truly transcendent life. I am honored to read your writings.

  8. WhyMommy says:

    I love this post. You can do it, Andrea. You can do it for your family, I can hear the determination in your voice.

  9. […] boys grow up into good kids.  But perhaps I’ve kept too busy for my own good.  Until I read this post from Punk Rock Mommy, I never considered the fact that I’m now living with a terminal […]