Personal Jesus

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God has spoken to me three times. It is hard to say that, but it is true nonetheless. I am not a zealot. I may be crazy but I do not hear voices. I am serious that I have actually heard the words of God directly three times in my life.

I was raised with little spiritual or religious upbringing. It was not a big part of my life as a child. I didn’t really pray or believe in anything. After I had Alec I became convinced that there must be a God. I saw the beauty in the world every time I gazed on my baby. I knew there must be a Divine being that would allow me to have such a perfect little child. But my faith barely went beyond that. It was just a sense of knowing that God existed. We went to Quaker meetings for awhile which I enjoyed. A quiet contemplation about the goodness of God. I could handle that. People being led to speak. It was a lovely introduction to religion.

When I was about 22 I was invited to a bible study. I really liked the ladies who invited me. All nursing moms like me. Crunchy granola types. I was an anarchist in earth shoes but I was up for a discussion about God. I did not know about this Old and New Testament thing. I had no idea about anything that Jesus had ever said, it was just Oh the bible…I’ve never read it. Clean slate sort of. I liked it. I liked Jesus. His stories seemed very deep and real. I went to bible study for more than a year. No big epiphany. Just a lot of “Wow, that’s so cool.” The ladies would talk about personal relationships with the Lord. I had no idea what that meant. But I liked going and hearing about this Jesus.

One night I went to bed and …began to “dream”. I dreamt that I was in my front yard and the sky above me turned black and was ripped apart. I fell to my knees and began to pray. I was in fear, but not normal fear. It was more like reverence because I knew it was God. And I heard His voice. He said, “My child how did you know it was me?” And I said,” My Lord I would know you anywhere.” I jumped out of bed and called my friend from bible study. It was 2a.m. I told her that God spoke to me and I thought I was a Christian. She asked me about what God said. “Well that certainly sounds like God.” We prayed and I became a Christian.

Several years later I was pregnant with the twins. I planned on giving birth to them at home with a few midwives. We found out they were breech at 38 weeks. I did not want a cesarean. My other kids were very young and I did not want to go through a painful surgical recovery and have to take care of four kids under four. I found a doctor who was capable of helping me give birth naturally to them breech. He had done other breech births. But I was also being influenced to go to a midwife in Lancaster who was very good at breech delivery also. I was conflicted. I went to sleep and in the middle of the night I was awakened by an angel. Wings.The whole thing. She said “These are the words of your Father who loves you,” And then she said a bunch of things that I can not recall exactly so I won’t write them down, but the answer was go to the hospital and meet this doctor because this is God’s divine plan. So I went. And I went into labor when I got there. And he delivered my babies both in the breech position. And 14 other people were in the room. And many lives were changed, because this doctor became a back up physician for many midwives. And the other doctor’s in the room did breech births naturally after that. God used me to fulfill His plan.

When I went out to California to see about Rexin-G I was filled with anxiety. I was nearing the end of my first chemo and I had no idea if it was even working. I felt that this new medicine might be the answer. But I was rejected from the study because the chemo had not failed. I was heartbroken. My last night there I was unable to sleep. I spent much time in prayer and meditation. Meditating is really hard. The goal is to keep your mind clear of your own sub conscious thought. It takes a lot of practice. But after many hours I was there. I was in the zone. Totally open. I have done this before and you know, no major revelations. But this night I heard a voice that I was convinced was not my own. I felt that again it was God alone and He told me it was not His will that I survive. He would do no miracle. It was His plan that I die. That I was His child and that I needed to trust Him. I felt oddly peaceful. I didn’t cry. I just said OK.

Now He did not say go home and don’t get surgery. Or you are going to die tomorrow. So I am doing what I can to stay here as long as He wills it and as long as Dr. Angie Demichele can keep me here. But well, I am not expecting a miracle. Maybe you are an atheist and these words are nonsense to you. Maybe you are without faith and they mean nothing. Maybe you think that this all psychological blah blah blah. For me this is all real. I believe these are the words of God. I do not question it because it is just very different than hearing the words of your own subconscious. In any case, if this explains my acceptance of my cancer or my likely passing then good. I just thought that maybe it was worth outing myself a little to explain it.

I do not think I am special. To the contrary I think God has spoken to me because I am a bit simple minded and He needs to direct a little more than some of His other children. More “special” than special if you know what I mean. I told Kelly when I got back about what I heard. He seemed oddly at peace with it too. Who are we to decide what God should want for us? I am not a demanding little toddler saying, “Heal me or else.” I am an adult and I have a strong faith. Faith that God alone loves us and has a plan for our lives. I believe we have free will, but that even in that He knows what we will choose. I believe that we live by Grace alone and that no amount of works or good deeds saves us, it is our faith alone that brings us to an eternal life with the Lord. So I have acceptance. I do not wish for more than the Father promises me.

Sometimes I take all this back and plead for more time. But I do not have any idea what even means. Maybe I will be here for several more years maybe not. My cancer is very aggressive. In the 8 weeks between the ending of my first chemo and the beginning of the next it spread to my spine and other places as well. I pray that this chemo works because I can be on it a long time. The other chemo options are quite brutal. Other medications that will make me very very ill. But you have to fight right. You have to try. Until God Himself tells me to stop I will fight. The news I got yesterday seems like good news I know. It is my hope that I will see an improvement. But all this talking to God stuff has interfered with faith and hope. I don’t think that was the intended message however. I think He just wanted me to have faith and hope in Him and trust His plan for me. I am trying just to make every day count.

And I tell you this. Every single day with my children and husband is a gift. I can not explain in words how deeply I want to take them all with me because leaving them behind seems so unfair. I want to take my children out of school and play with them all day. I wish Kelly did not have to work, so that I could be with him every minute. It is hard to let go. But it is also harder to deny what is true. If you have a terminal illness at some point you must let go. God calls us to go home to be with Him.And even if you practice any other faith…the afterlife awaits us all. Whether you believe it is another life or Valhalla or Heaven. This is not the end but a beginning.

I pray for you all. That you may be at peace in your lives with what ever God gives you. That you might believe in His divine plan for your life. God bless you all. Andrea

9 Responses to “Personal Jesus”

  1. imstell says:

    Andrea – Your words continue to move me. I believe the Lord sees you and all his children as worthy (and not “special”) of acknowledgement, direction, and comfort. I pray that you are given the time you so desire. Time to tie up the loose ends. Time to long for His company more than you mourn leaving your family. What a beautiful woman you are.

  2. Wendy says:

    I’ve been reading but haven’t commented in a while because I just don’t know what to say. You make me laugh. You make me cry. You are a blessing to me and so many others. I understand what you are saying in this post and I know that you are in God’s hands, as is your family. I love seeing you here (wish I could see you more) and I look forward to seeing you in heaven. I love you. -Wendy

  3. Linda says:

    I find the story of the evolution of your faith fascinating. I personally am an atheist, but I have a tremendous amount of respect for others’ beliefs, and I know that faith is a very powerful experience. Rather than God, I have faith in the power of the universe (which some people would call God but I choose not to). I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe we are all connected. It sounds to me like you are doing an amazing job of accepting it all – the pain and the beauty, the fear and the love. Your fight is everyone’s fight, your love feeds the universe. I wish you & your family a very merry Christmas.
    Linda

  4. leah says:

    Andrea, you are my hero, (you always were) but the more i read you inspire me in so many ways. i always try to not sweat the small stuff and be more tolerant of others, and you remind me each day to do that.
    i love you and your family, have a merry Christmas! and a happy new year
    ~leah

  5. Jerah says:

    Hola Andrea,

    You looked fabulous when we saw you last weekend. I told Erin I thought so, and she just said, “yeah, well, doesn’t she always?” 🙂 Thanks for being fabulous. We love you.

    Love,
    Jerah

  6. FENICLE says:

    That was indeed very moving. I believe. If you don’t believe God speaks to you, I’m not sure how you justify what you do. For who are you doing it for?

    I came over from Toddler Planet. My cousin, Stephanie, had IBC a few years ago and I read through many of your posts. I wish she would have had a support system like this online. She would have enjoyed talking back & forth with someone going through something similar. With IBC it’s so rare that she didn’t have anyone young (like her) to discuss her feelings like you have here.

    I hope you keep your faith. Merry Christmas!

  7. Biko says:

    thank you for sharing this. i am amazed at how you and God found each other. reading your story has reaffirmed my acceptance and my faith in the grace of God as i also go through my own cancer journey.

    happy new year!

  8. Sue Mosolf says:

    Andrea, Thank you so much for sharing your spiritual journey – from your (2 a.m.! ) conversion till the present. Yes, each of us is in God’s hands and He has a plan. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to hear His message, “You will be coming home to Me, there will be no miracle (for you to live on this earth).”

    How wise you are to pray for acceptance, to pray for strength to let go, to pray for willingness to be face to face with Jesus. God knows what a difficult/impossible task He has put before you – to eventually separate yourself from your precious kids and husband. He knows because He gave up His Son for us. And even Jesus asked His Father to “let this cup pass from Him, if it was possible.”

    I don’t mean to “preach” or “lecture”. I hope to encourage you to continue to know God’s eternal love and understanding. Sue

  9. jenny corbin says:

    I don’t know what to say, except that i believe every word, even though i don’t consider myself christian, i have a lot of faith and also similar weird unexplainable experiences with the divine- whatever people want to call it- and it’s real, and i think you have a very open heart and beautiful soul.