Christmas Eve

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No news is not always good news. Sometimes when I feel sick for a prolonged amount of time I try to avoid writing about it. I am not sure about other people with a long term illness, but you feel like a jerk for bumming people out with your complaints. I am sick. I do not know if it is from chemo or a virus I can not shake. In either case, the symptoms keep me up at night. This also makes me kind of useless during the day. Grooggy. I have a lot of stomach cramping and have been on the *brat* diet for a week. I want to have fun. I want to leave the house, (have not left since Thursday when I got chemo), but that is not happening.

Now the truth is chronic illness sucks for everyone. It is hard on me, but is equally hard on everyone around me. For the kids seeing their mom sick in bed or on the couch undoubtedly evokes a certain fear. I can reassure them. I sometimes do. But sometimes I am too tired to enter into a conversation about my chronic cough and digestive problems. And for Kelly it can be sympathy…to a point. And then there is also a real frustration in having to do everything your self even though your partner is home. Yes he knows I am sick. But truth is he has been too. But he does not hold a chemo card. I am sicker, I win, go make me toast. Not an easy thing to deal with. So I am still feeling pretty sick. And I hope and pray that I feel better soon. I want to feel good for Kelly and the kids. I want to feel good so I can enjoy the holiday. I want to have energy and wellness. It may be too much to ask. Or possibly a Christmas miracle.

And well its not all bad. True I have been in my room far more than is typical. But I was laying on the couch while Gina wrapped all the Christmas presents on Friday. I was laying on the couch while we watched “A Christmas Story” together and drank eggnog. I laid on the couch and changed a few diapers. It is not all bad. It is hard not to wish for more. And that goes with everything doesn’t it. It is hard not wish for more than we have. I am going to skip any analogies to the birth of the Savior in a manger. I will skip being poetic and deep and stick with this. I see that the longer I am dealing with this cancer diagnosis it’ s full impact on my family from the everyday things to deeper emotional things.

I wish you all a Happy holiday. I hope everyone enjoys their time with the family. I wish you all happiness and peace. Love, Andrea

10 Responses to “Christmas Eve”

  1. leah says:

    Andrea, i hope you feel better soon.
    Have a happy holiday,
    ~leah

  2. Donna says:

    Sending you wishes that you can enjoy as much as possible this season of light and wonder. hug the kids… smile at your guy.

  3. debi says:

    On Sunday I went forward and prayed with my pastor for you. I gave him a quick story on your condition and what I have read about you. I don’t know why but hearing him say your name and to ask God to give you what you have asked for (more time) gave me a good feeling. This is not about me. I pray for you to feel good. For Christmas. I think of you alot. You have changed the way I look at my life. I thank you Andrea. I wish and pray for you to have a blessed day with your children and Kelly. Merry Christmas Andrea.

  4. kelly says:

    I am an atheist…but I said a prayer for you too. And even though I know you might not be praying for a cure, I surely did. Merry Christmas, and I hope you have at least one health-filled day of joy and peace.

  5. Dina says:

    Merry Christmas! Let us know if you are feeling up to a visit the 27th. We’ll understand either way…and could always drop your treats down the chimney…if you’ve got one.
    Love, Dina, Ed, and Owen

    PS: We are putting together a train table and it’s almost 12:30 AM. Santa’s milk is already curdled, and Ed has cursed about 50 times already…wish us luck…

  6. McGizzle's Mama says:

    Hey Andrea-Merry CHRISTmas!!!!!The McGizzles send our good wishes and love to you and your family…See you soon-
    Sam lit a candle for you in an old Mission in Arizona. Feliz Nevidad

  7. Stephanie says:

    Merry Christmas. I hope you and your family have a beautiful holiday.

  8. shayna and jahna says:

    happy christmas-

    we love you

  9. joshua says:

    thanks for the call the other day. we still need our movie date!

  10. Sharon says:

    I was touched by your story. We have similiar stories. I was going to school getting ready to graduate from college in May2006 a Thursday night. When all of my classmates were going out to celebrate, I could not for I was going in on Friday morning to have surgery. I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer with lymph node involvement. I believe that God truly has blessed me With family and friends, and a great team of doctors.We have to believe that God has custom designed our breast cancer for each of us and that God truly has a custom designed treatment regimen as well. Remember thegood Lord giveth and taketh away. May the good Lord continue to bless you and your precious family in the 2008 upcoming year. May he aslo restore your health and strength to endure what he places before you. Best of luck ,health and hapiness, and stay well . Sharon. Please feel free to respond