Random thoughts

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It is hard to always put together a well thought out idea and sum it up with a perfect ending. Today I am going to share just a bunch of random thoughts that probaly have no connection whatsoever. The first one is that for someone who will likely die young I moisturize like nobody’s business. I mean I use high quality lotion. And slather it on my face and arms legs. Like I am going to live forever. I laugh at this though I can’t seem to stop. I brush and floss like my teeth are also going to have to last for several more decades. Not likely either. I just think this is some glimmer of “hope”. This is what you all want me to cling to right? This is the evidence that I expect or want to stick around. Either that or I want to look really good for Jesus.

The puppy/baby/dog/six kids thing is like kind of tiring. I am not complaining. I am super stoked about it all but it is making me a little cranky.I am also experiencing a lot of swelling in my left arm and pain on the left side. Which I have mentioned before. I just want to feel better. No I want to feel great. The struggle this whole last year is that what I want to do is feel really good all the time and do all that I did before I got sick. Cancer is very inconvenient. I think if it took up less time and I still had the same stamina it wouldn’t be so bad. But a year of fatigue and discomfort…that’s too long. I am over it. I am over having cancer. It bores me. I want it to go away now. I want my old mom life back. I just want to be tired because I am a mom. Not because this cancer thing is kicking my butt.

Expectations. I am working really hard on putting them away. For me. For you. For the kids. I am working on just letting people be who they are and putting away disappointment based on unrealistic expectations. I think I am good at doing this for nearly everyone. Except Kelly. Poor Kelly. He is the only one who when he fails to meet even the smallest expectation I am instantly annoyed/displeased/heart broken. It is all about checks and balances in a marriage. Check on the good side.Check on the bad side. Which is really such bullshit. I mean can a partner really ever be 100% who you want them to be? That is totally unrealistic. I really can handle this in the puppy/the dog/the teenagers/my friends….why is it so much harder in my husband? Ugly. Working on this.

My lymph nodes still feel smaller. One day at a time. My next scan is on June 12th. I have no appointments this week. I had no blood drawn or anything. This almost feels odd to me. I am so accustomed to just spending so much time in a doctor’s waiting room. This week I just hung out with the dog.

Thank yous are due to several of you. Toni G for providing Asa and Tucker with laptops for the Prep next year. Thank you for coming over with Shep and your lovely son David. Thank you Tamara for my insulin shots and reiki. Thank you Erin for keeping it together around here. Thank you Gina for all that you do. I love that my kids do what you tell them no questions asked…Gina means business! Thank you Ruthie for doing Fridays. Thank you Megan and David for giving us a place to live. Thank you to anyone who is willing to help us do some work on the house. Thank you to Dan Gottlieb for your support. Thank you to anyone who is voting for me in the blog contest. I really never thought I would win,its an honor.And Naomi publish that awesome post that you are working on.

7 Responses to “Random thoughts”

  1. Carolyn says:

    I liked what you wrote about expectations and husbands. I should really work on lightening up a little on my husband too. And my mom for that matter. Thanks for the reminder. And love to see you doing at well Best of Blogs…

  2. jenni bender says:

    i am glad that you said no one can be perfect 100% of the time. i needed to hear that.
    i love you. thanks for talking earlier!
    xo

  3. Janelle says:

    thank-you for sharing your journey in the most honest and compelling way. it reminds me of everything. of the gratitude we all should have every single morning when we wake up and step out of bed…of how sweet life is. THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU. with great love, respect and thanks. xxx janelle

  4. Michele says:

    Andrea! I just voted for your blog and it looks like Punk Rock Mommy is in the lead!!!

  5. Kelly in Berkeley says:

    Why *not* slather yourself with lovely lotion? Too many people don’t do it because they’re cheap or in a hurry, like me. As far as your skin and teeth go, you really don’t need any more problems, do you? Obviously you value yourself and your health, and how nice it is to feel as good as you possibly can. Imagine if, by some chance, you are alive ten years from now. You’ll be happy to have your teeth! I like to hear this. I like to hear that you haven’t given up on everything. And that the nodes are shrinking. That’s good news too.

  6. Milla says:

    Bless you, Andrea, you are a total star. Off to vote now!

  7. Whymommy says:

    Hey, Andrea, wanna join us in a fun project? Email me for details or check my site — we’re putting together a group blog called motherswithcancer. I hate that the site has to exist — but there are about a dozen of us already and we’re going to have a good time, I think. Wanna join in?