Yesterday I was able to see my twins graduate 8th grade. After the ceremony I saw a dear friend who I have not spoken to this last year. She was dealing with a lot of her own issues and I was not able to be there for her. We cried and held each other. I thought she would reject me but she did not. I was very thankful for our tearful reunion. The ceremony and party were wonderful. I spent time with a lot of lovely friends and family. Jeeter’s mom and sister were there and my ex-mum in law sat with me for quite awhile. She lost her son John last year right after my diagnosis. She also lost several of her siblings to cancer. She was with all of them when they died. She and I had a lovely talk. A very healing time considering that I never felt like she liked me when Tony (Jeeter) and I were married.This was due I am sure to a lot of insecurity on my part. In any case it was wonderful to have her company.
Cancer has made my heart softer. It has made me able to forgive and move on. I chose to not speak to my “family” although I have totally forgiven them everything. I just feel they are very negative people who would only continue to harm me and my children. But I hold no anger or malice towards them. Only a desire to not have them in my life. My friends are my family. They are the sisters and brothers I always wanted. Surrogate family that I have fulfilling relationships with. These are the folks who call,cook,clean,and care for me.
Last night my pain,headaches,and nausea were so bad that I decided I could not do chemo today. Nor any other day. I have maxed out my ability to do more pain/sickness inducing treatment. I am done. I will just do full time hospice. Kelly cried so hard but he agreed with me. So did Naomi and Jen. I held Kelly as he wept. I know this is hard to hear but my spirit is very tired of being in this very sick and dying body. The pain is very bad. My hips,back, and front hurt. Like labor it comes in waves and reminds me that my body is doing invisible work. Labor always had an air of excitement but also a component of a near death experience. This is more like a real death experience. But an excitement too that soon my pain will end and I will be free to move on. Hallelujah.
My time now I want to spend seeing my loved ones. Holding my kids. Blogging when I can. And writing. Writing all about my love for you. I want to leave you letters that you read over and over so you will know I am thinking of you too. I wrote a final blog. I planned my memorial. I gave away many of my possessions. This is a gift. How fortunate that I can plan these things. I got an entire year to plan for my death. A year to prepare my children. You want to hear a real punk rock mommy parenting tip… I always believed that it was not my job to raise good children but rather to prepare my children for adulthood. Everything you teach them as children ought to be for the purpose of having them be strong, healthy, and independent adults. I told Asa that I was not going to do anymore chemo. He cried. I asked him if he was scared and he said yes. I asked of what and he shrugged. I said I know you are but there is nothing to be afraid of. I said what did I always say about my job as a parent, and he repeated my mantra. I said you are prepared for adulthood Asa. You will be a wonderful and strong man. And this experience is part of what will make you who God wants you to be.
People are sad. My children and friends and husband. I am sad that I have to leave..but not that I will get relief from this disease.