I took the time to very carefully read through all the comments on my last entry. Wow, I don’t even know what to say. It is a beautiful thing to know that I have had such an impact on so many. I always say that I really just thought I was keeping this little on line journal that a couple people would read. In the last several days nearly 1,000 people a day have been reading the innermost details of my life. And as I anticipated the stream of guests is now constant. When my friend Rachel entered hospice she said it was like having a 12 step support group but it was all about her. I loved that. My situation is a bit different. I still need to focus on Kelly and the kids, as well as assuring my friends that I love them. Assuring my mother that she is loved too. I am not sure why everyone seems so vulnerable right now.People are apologizing for not being “perfect”. Who wants perfect? Not me. I only want perfect from the Lord. I am pretty into imperfect. So if you are one of my friends that think you have failed me in some way…get over it. We’re all good.
I have seen my hospice social worker and nurse.Those visits took a good bit of time. I was thankful that Naomi and Tamara were here to help me. I feel fuzzy and overwhelmed at times. My dear friend Jen 21 has been here a lot as well. Helping me get through the day. Which is a big job really. I am still in good spirits. I am still laughing. We took the kids to see the new Adam Sandler movie.I felt a little sleepy but I was able to enjoy it. The fact that I can do these things is such a wonderful gift.I am a bit leery of leaving the house. The neck cancer makes me look like I have a huge double chin. And the lymph edema makes my left arm look 10 times the size of the other one. It causes me a certain amount of embarrassment. My appearance is still very important to me. I hope that doesn’t sound shallow. I feel less and less like myself all the time. Just as I did early in treatment when I was bald and gaining weight. It is hard to look in the mirror and see a different me. Especially since I had just lost a lot of weight, regrew my hair, and adjusted to my flat chest. The cancer in my neck is uncomfortable and rather disturbing as it seems to grow daily in size. I know that this should be the least of my worries…but it is one of the unexpected things cancer does to you. You expect to feel sick, not look sick. Or distorted.
Beyond this my pain is slowly getting under control.At least some of the time. I am still a bit limited in my mobility. I tire more easily. And I feel sick to my stomach more often. I drink mint tea. I take pills.One day at a time.The nurse from hospice is consumed with making my pain lessen,but the pills are hard on my stomach. And I would rather have some pain and be present, than no pain and be out of it. As I type my arm is swelling and my fingers are cramping. I can’t do much more. I just want you all to know that I am feeling happy quite a lot of the time. I feel like hospice a way to feel control over my life and death. If that makes sense.
So now is the time to visit. I pick up the phone when I can. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring about me. And thank you for all your support. You have made this last year so much more bearable.