My friend Jesse and his wife Rebbecca came in from St. Louis on Saturday afternoon.
Unfortunately, it had been days since I was able to go to the bathroom. I spent most of my time taking natural laxatives and sitting on the toilet with a sour stomach. The end result, not much except the knowledge that opiates that give me pain relief are really the culprit here. I could not get a doctor’s note for my colonic Saturday. Something had to give. But nothing did, I felt sick. I stopped taking my opiate meds. Things finally made their way through me. My decision to not take drugs met with a lot of resistance from friends and family. I “yelled” at Alec to clean his room and all of the sudden I’m a bad guy. Kelly decided I was going through withdrawal. Not a single factor would be considered. Truth is sometimes death is very isolating no matter how wonderful everyone is.You know that death is a place you go alone. And it’s easy to get jealous of the healthy. It’s easy to say, why me? Even when I am totally at peace, I get tired of making this ok for everyone else. I want somebody to make it ok for me.
So as uncharacteristic as it may seem, I have done a lot of crying. So much that my eyes are swollen. I have not entertained my guests at all. They have hung out with my kids. We played Apples to Apples. They have walked the dogs, they went to breakfast with Kelly while I had a nervous breakdown. And thankfully I felt well enough to go to the premiere of Hancock the new Will Smith movie.The character is immortal. I was dreaming about what it would be like to be immortal. To never have to deal with any of this cancer drama. I want my big happy healthy spirit to go into a healthy cancer free body. I feel like there is so much life left in me.
My friends are leaving in the morning. Our visit was short and sweet. I was happy to see Jesse one more time. I also saw Rosanna Friday night. That was lovely too. I appreciate short visits. Even drop bys. But long visits from people who do nothing are just the worst. I need help with medicine. And the kids and the puppy. And if you don’t know how things are done than ask somebody or don’t come by all day. 20 minutes twice a day is the new visiting schedule. It allows me to be present and available for my kids. I do not feel bad about this set up. And if you are just coming by to say hi, you have 20 minutes. I think that is enough. Tomorrow I am getting a colonic at 2 pm. I got the doctor’s ok note. Then at 4 the hospice agency is sending their bereavement counselor to talk to the kids. None of them are excited by this but I am certain it is good for them. So tomorrow is a busy day.
The rest of the week includes visits from nurses,counselors,and social workers. My husband is off. There are folks coming to say hello and bring meals. I can handle some visits. Call me or Naomi to see whats up. Love Andrea