Jen 21 took a week off from work to be with me. To help me. We went everywhere together. We took the kids to the movies twice. She cooked for me and ran errands. She called my hospice workers and made appointments. Today she took me to get my colonic. A colonic is like a really good enema that forces water into the colon and with gentle suction removes old waste. Mine worked wonders and I felt tired but unclogged when it was done. Typically, this out of hospital procedure is expensive. I was prepared to pay the fee but when it was over the owner said they would not be charging me. They asked Jen about me and my situation. They knew I was on hospice. Jen showed them my blog and they decided no charge. She cried. So did I. This is my life. Being eternally blessed by the universe until the day I die. The place is called Health Connections by the way. They are at 540 S. 2nd St. here in Philly. I may as well plug them for unplugging me for free.
We had our family meeting with bereavement counseling. Laura was very kind. She will come to the house weekly to talk to us. Ultimately, she felt we were far and away ahead of most families encountering this kind of tragedy. She was impressed that the children could express themselves and that we were really talking about it. I think for the most part the kids were listening. She asked about how they cope. And Alec said talking to his friends. Jesse said music. The twins said talking through it with me or Lizz or Eileen or Jen. I think Kelly was hoping they would say him, but I think they know he is grieving too. Its too painful to even talk to one another about it. But that is all temporary. Years from now they will have each other as support. I have every confidence that they will all emerge like a Phoenix from the ashes. Stronger and more determined to soar.
Ed came to my house on Monday to do a treatment on me. He put a bunch of needles in my ear. I was really out of it, detoxing from oxycodone. But I realized today that I was in a lot less pain. I have trouble turning my head due to the enlarged lymph nodes in my neck. Lower back pain that makes it hard to bend down. And a lot of fatigue. I am sleepy a lot. For this reason the baby is not with me very often. I have very little ability to keep up with him or even do much parenting. He watches a movie with me and snuggles about once a day. Most of his care has been turned over to Naomi and Jenny Ball along with Kelly of course. I have felt that it is important that since they will be his “mommies” when I pass it is important that that start now. For his sake. Then its not sudden or detrimental. It makes me happy to see him so bonded and comforted by them. I know he will be a healthy happy child. I spend a lot of time with my older kids. I still hang out with them as much as possible. My friends eat up a lot of time that I could be with family though. They call. They text. They drop by. They want to hang out. I want to see them too. But I am struck by guilt. How do I balance my time knowing I may only live a few more weeks?
For the most part I am not scared or angry. I do not fear death in any way. My sadness and tears flow when I think of my children growing up without me. But I trust the Lord and His perfect plan. Years from now many of you will know my children and all they have accomplished. Maybe you will be able to make sense of why God chose this for me and them. Maybe in heaven God will heal my broken heart and I will not wonder for long.