I sleep in now. For the first time in decades. I just can’t jump out of bed and do the mom stuff. Cereal and toast your own bagels will have to do for the older kids. Clay has to be with Naomi overnight or Kelly has to be nudged out of his coma for daddy duty. I am awake in the middle of the night due to pain. And to take pain meds I have to eat some kind of food or I get very nauseous. And then I end up “awake”. So my days do not start until 10 or 11am.This seems indulgent to me. As a mom there is something selfish about sleeping in. I know parents who have done it but I always thought them to be “bad” ones. Surely, an awake child needs an awake engaged mom or dad. Kelly is somewhat engaged…I think. It does not relieve my guilt. But it still doesn’t mean I can get out of bed. I want to hang out with the kids.My time is sensitive. And still I sleep.
I spent several hours yesterday filling out birthday cards for the next two years. For all of them. A different card for each child, each age. Filled out with different color ink. Cards that were chosen specifically for that child. Birthday cards from heaven licked and sealed awaiting a future uncertain for my children. I wasn’t sure if this was even a good idea. Would it make them cry? Would it weird them out? Should my time be better spent engaged with them? I did spend time with Bailey playing games. Tuck and I are spending time together today. Jesse and I hung out but he barely spoke. Always a quiet and sensitive boy talking with him can be like pulling teeth. “Jesse I am too tired to figure out the right questions to unlock Pandora’s box”, I said. “Ok let’s play a game”. His only comment was that I was lucky to leave this world since it such an awful place. “Don’t kill yourself please”, I responded to his truly morose statement. “Oh no I won’t”, he assured me. Whew crisis averted. We played Boggle and I won.
We went for a visit to Don and Sheena’s ,with our youngest two kids, while the older boys went to see Devo(A family favorite) While we were there I went in and out of sleepy sick to my stomach mode. Combined with sweating and headache. Leaving the house is getting harder and harder. I feel like I am just overwhelmed by it all. Car sick, too much activity, etc. I don’t like to eat. I don’t like the heat. I am tired. But I don’t know what that means because I am still pretty feisty. I spent a good 20 minutes yelling at the top of my lungs when the boys failed to come when they were told to. Kelly said at this rate I will live forever. As long as my children need me. It is so hard to let go. I am a mom…I want to make the rules and have them followed from beyond the grave. After a lot of finger pointing and he said she said Jesse was in trouble. As was my ex-husband. Whom I tried to have a civil conversation with regarding curfews and such. He argued for 15 minutes that they were having a good time blah blah blah. I said, “I don’t care if you all were partying with Jesus next time call and find out what time they are supposed to be home.”
So some things never change. Everyone has an opinion and some of them stink. Like the drama the came out in the last batch of comments. Nonsense. I am dying. I can not stand such petty displays. Do you know it costs $1,000 to be cremated? And we do not have it. Nor do we know how we are going to get it. Bailey is in need of braces but is 1 point shy of getting through medical assistance. Her teeth are bad. We will find a way to finance them as well. And then there are shoes. Clothing for school. How dare someone say we are not “in need”. Yes we did fine before I got sick. But now that my husband has to/is working less to be with me and I do not work and we spent a lot of money on childcare because of my illness we are in financial difficulty. Thank you to everyone who has helped. But for the woman who thought we did not need any help shame on you. You have no idea.
But I am far from expecting anything. To the contrary I am very happy with the blessings and rarely worry about any of it. And it is my faith that keeps me from worrying. And keeps me smiling. And I am allowed to mention religion and money all I want on my blog. My story my rules. Don’t like? Go home.