My apologies for making you all wait it out. Its hard to be here right now. I want to honor my soulmate and at the same time am struggling hard to get out of cancerland and on with the business of living. Single parenthood has its ups and downs but I am so in love with my little man that its worth every exhausting minute. The other kids I love equally but they are easier (they can talk) and Andrea did such an amazing job raising them. I have been busy taking care of as much stuff as I can before I go back to work 3 days a week. Some moments I feel free to laugh with friends, other moments an overwhelming emptiness washes over me. I’m sure it is the same for the kids. It manifests itself in different ways with each, but I know them so I see it. Being a widow is strange. It is not being single. Being the widow of someone as well loved as Andrea makes me feel both like royalty and totally untouchable at the same time. To a certain degree this is true ( I did a reality check with a few close friends and they agreed.) Grieving, I think for men seems to intensify you baser needs. I feel guilty for being that cliche. I guess I miss being held at night the most. Andrea was my true love, so much so that I got the words true love tattooed down the backs of my arms shortly after meeting her like some decoration of purpose or saying I believe in true love. Cancer is so hard to go through with your lover. The loss gets deeper as you go but you need to make it ok for your partner. Loss of breasts… People would say “they’re just breasts” in trying to help. As if I shouldn’t feel loss over this. They were beautiful breasts and as a husband they were often quite comforting. The loss continues and one by one things that I love about my wife disappear. Probably the hardest was the last 3 months with the growing need for pain killers. I began to miss her before she was gone. This was not the woman I fell in love with although enough of her shone through that I was still madly in love. Now that she’s gone I feel a little bit empty and scattered. The familiar doesn’t always comfort me in the way it used to. I guess I equate it with loss. When I step outside my social circle I don’t have to talk about cancer if I don’t want to and that is nice. I am starting to focus energy into taking care of myself again. This is something that I did little of in the last 6 months. I have to be doing things now that are healthy for me so that I actually have something to give the children because I feel about empty now. It would be nice to be on speaking terms with God again. It’s not that we aren’t talking its just that my understanding of God got a little rocked in the long hours of Andrea’s death and is now in flux. It is what is and I’m really hoping not to get 100 spiritual advisers on the comment list. I hope this still helps people out there. I’m no punk rock mommy.