So as of today, I have exactly 20 days before I move in to my college dorm…and needless to say I’m really excited. Is it weird that I’m not nervous at all? I guess I’m just ready for some change in my life…
So I guess the point of this post is to…I don’t know…hmm…Well, I guess I can talk about Saturday. So on Saturday, Kelly and I went to the Download Festival at the Susquehanna Bank Center (it should be called SBC…Susquehanna Bank Center is to long to say). The Stooges played, but The Killers were the headliners….probably because they get a bigger draw. Iggy was awesome! At 61 he is still a god! I was so excited, screaming the words to No Fun, 1969, Search and Destroy, and I Wanna Be Your Dog. I realized how much my mom would have loved to be there, screaming the words with me. It made me really miss her. Sometimes it feels like she’s not really gone, she just went on vacation and she will be back in a day or two, but she never does. The next couple of months are gonna be hard. I’ve never been on my own without my mom being a phone call away to help me. I’m not nervous about college, I’m nervous about going to college and not having my mother to call when I’m homesick or want someone to cheer me up the way only a mother can.
It really sucks sometimes, my friends (the friends who are my age) try to act like they know what I’m going through, but you can’t understand this pain unless you experienced it first hand (with the exception of one of my friends who did lose her mother). And even if you understand, it’s still impossible to help. This pain is too real and painful.
Before my mother died she got a bunch of notebooks for each one of my siblings and I and started to write stories in them about when we were little. She wrote our medical history, she wrote what she wanted us to accomplish in our lives. Things like happiness, a good marriage, kids, etc.. But she also wrote what we needed to realize. The one thing that is reverberating in my skull now is what she would always tell me when I was had a bad case of depression: “You are strong, kind, intelligent and truly LOVABLE. You are deserving of all good things”. She was the only person in my life who could make me feel like that was true…I miss you Mom