For the birds

I can’t stop the birds of sorrow from circling my head, but I can keep them
from building a nest in my hair.
Chinese Proverb

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Sadly though, some days I do feel I need to duck to keep them from shitting on my head. I realize that my bad week is really 10 days. I also feel totally out of the loop with my family, friends, and real life after being in bed for 5 or 6 days.  I think if we are friends and I have neglected to ask you how you are #1 I am sorry. #2 Please tell me. And if you don’t  mind feel free to let me know anything important that is happening in the real world.

Sorrow is something I play dodge ball with. Remember dodge ball. Bob and weave. That’s me with sorrow. I do not want to get tagged. I avoid unpleasant thoughts. I sleep. I pray. I play with Clayton. I bob, weave,duck, and cover. I am a rock. No sir, no crying for me. I have happy cancer. Happy Happy.

Ultimately, when sorrow does hit me I feel it and then let it pass. I bet that all of you can say the same though. Unless you are clinically depressed we all feel sad and move on. Having a terminal illness does not mean that I am the only sad person out there struggling to keep it together. You cry..I know you do..admit it. And you are going through tough stuff too. Maybe your family suck. Or your job. Or your boyfriend/girlfriend. It doesn’t matter. Its all real. It all is hard. Life is hard. All I am saying is I realize that I do not corner the market on sad things happening in one’s life. Fact is I like hearing how bummed out people get. That’s why I wanted to be a psychologist. Other people’s problems make me happy. Not happy..but relieved. We are all going through it together.

I want you to know that I  am praying for you. My friend with the bad job. My friend with the sick sister. My friend with money problems. My friend who needs to get sober. All of you who are going through your own  troubles… I pray for God’s grace in your life. I pray for your comfort. I pray that the bird’s of sorrow do not build a nest in your hair.

7 Responses to “For the birds”

  1. jenni bender says:

    i am blessed to have you in my life.
    thank you for caring about me.
    you are an inspiration.

  2. Rob says:

    Hey Andrea, This is Rob from Crash Bang Boom/Zipperhead just checking in on you. Letting you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you every single day. That proverb it is awesome. Stay great. Love, Rob

  3. Andrea says:

    Hi Rob! How are you…hopefully you too are not letting the birds of sorrow nest in your lovely hair. I hope you come out to zee fundrazor. Thank you for your support. Andrea

  4. Konkani says:

    Thank you for bringing it home- I love your writing, and your theme of connectedness through G-d and suffering. I’m thinkin’ good thoughts of you, and as always, am inspired by you and your family’s magnificent spirit.
    Konkani aka “Coco” 😉

  5. Jeff Sensenig says:

    You are an incredibly brave, strong and courageous woman. I read your blog today and felt humbled when I think about how bummed I’ve been lately about the craziness in my life (mostly job stuff). It is amazing to me how you are able to gain perspective/insight in the moment.
    Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it over with Rachel yesterday.

  6. Siobhan says:

    Hunny, I’m a mess these days. Anytime you want to listen to me bitch, you let me know and I’ll be happy to do the same. You’re a blessing.

  7. Renee Khan says:

    Hi Andrea: I know I am almost 7 months behind the ball, but I wanted to respond to your blog as I read it. I too have IBC, it is Stage 4. You moved me a lot in this email, I wanted you to know that. I am 51 and I have 3 adult children so I know that many concerns we have are very different. I know that you would kill for the 14 or 15 years I have on you and I don’t blame you. I hope and pray that you will have them and even more. I also wanted to let you know that I know of a woman with IBC who is alive and well after being diagnosed over 14 years ago. There is hope, there is always hope. Your children need you and you have to believe that you will be there for them.

    In one of my group meetings the social worker said “Renee, you seem depressed?” (big sad eyes looking at me). I’m like “No shit Sherlock.” But I discovered that I wasn’t really depressed, I was just really really sad. I was grieving for my life. I believe in looking at the monster under the bed. This way I can keep my eye on it and not be so frightened as it jumps out at me, at least I know which direction it is coming. Your proverb was so apt. At one point I would leave my bed and go and sit on ‘the coffin on the couch’ and just cry but after a few weeks I stopped crying, because I don’t believe my nature could sustain that level of sadness.

    Also Andrea, I think you said you were on Taxotere and I want you to know I had 23 treatments of it on a weekly basis and it worked really well for me.

    I also know about the going in public and seeing everyone know about your life. As a middle aged woman I am invisible in this society, and I didn’t realize how comfortable that position was until I wasn’t in it anymore. I felt like I was a ‘Loser’ and somehow I had lost the game. I was ashamed of my cancer. I can tell you I still struggle with that sometimes, even though rationally I know it is crazy. Oh well. I guess I just want you to know I GET IT.

    This is turning out to be a mega reply.

    Please take care and God Bless you.

    Renee Khan from Winnipeg, Manitoba — Canada